A Dialogue: Doubt and Desire

There is nothing wrong with love.

Not ever.

There's nothing wrong with falling in love. In fact, there's everything right with it.

If I miss college at all, it is for the love that is so easy between all of us. I'm not doing so well around people for whom kissing and flirting are big deals, people who (first of all) think badly of me for having two boyfriends and (secondly) think even worse for being infatuated with friends.

All I propose is that there be more love. Not less of it, not taking it away from one person and giving it to another. More love! Free! Take it! It's yours!

I'm up to about 15 pages. That probably doesn't sound like much, but believe me, it is. 15 pages of math. If I write 2-3 pages a day for the next week I'll be on schedule to have a decent first draft done a month before the thing is due. God knows if that's at all likely.

Today for lunch I ate pre-packaged Indian food out of a deep bowl with chopsticks. I had some leftover goodies from the four-course vegetarian Indian meal Zack and I made over the weekend, so I was able to spice it up with fresh cilantro (coriander!) and peanut chutney. The only thing I didn't have was yogurt and cucumber.

For some reason I had the urge to record that as I ate. It wasn't that the food was very good. In fact, it reminded me very much of a slightly spicier version of a canned, mixed-vegetable soup. There were lima beans and green beans and little cubes of potatoes that have been cooked to a mealey texture and whose edges have been knocked off and rounded during the packaging and shipping process. But there was something very my-life about it -- eating out of this bowl with chopsticks because we have no forks, learning to check Facebook every hour rather than work efficiently. Also the taste of Cilantro, one of the cleanest and most delicious flavors I know.

I'm fucking tired.

Sometimes I get so tired of doing work! I spend all day trying very hard to understand things that are very hard to understand. I have enough time to chill out and do things with friends and boyfriends, but I guess somehow that's not always enough. Like, I want to call friends or family members who don't live here, but I don't because I don't really have anything to say.

All I know is: fuck the Bruck-Ryser-Chowla theorem. The proof doesn't make any sense. First I look up quadratic residues; and for that, I have to look up the Hasse-Minkowski thm, which also doesn't make sense. Then I realize I don't know what the crap they mean by quaternions, which leads me to the Wikipedia page and further makes me realize that in a world supposedly comprised entirely of integers I've suddenly stumbled across the complex numbers. Fuckers. And now I have to figure out wtf Lagrange has to do with all of it. And fuck quadratic residues, anyway: they're one of those things that seem so blindingly simple that they couldn't possibly be meaningful. Except..

ffdj;fdajkakjgajkl

Also fuck group theory.

I actually did something last night that I haven't done before. Imagine that. Scuba diving aside it has been a LONG time since I've done something new!

I had the strangest dreams last night. What's strange, too, is I can barely remember them. I wonder what's a-going on in my head. I have this feeling of having had an important idea and then forgotten it.

"I heard a voice that said 'A country girl can't be made out of anybody here. Don't touch it - it loves you not.'"

It's been a while, huh?

Things have been good, for the most part. School work is good, grades are good, family is good.. Mitch is doing better. My room looks good. Yeah.

But boy am I depressed today. I've done it again. I'm in a mess for a stupid, stupid reason. Sigh.

Plus: how depressing is planning for after graduation? Bluh.