A Dialogue: Doubt and Desire

late night rant

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 07:57:41 GMT

There is nothing wrong with love.

Not ever.

There's nothing wrong with falling in love. In fact, there's everything right with it.

If I miss college at all, it is for the love that is so easy between all of us. I'm not doing so well around people for whom kissing and flirting are big deals, people who (first of all) think badly of me for having two boyfriends and (secondly) think even worse for being infatuated with friends.

All I propose is that there be more love. Not less of it, not taking it away from one person and giving it to another. More love! Free! Take it! It's yours!

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 06:55:23 GMT

I'm up to about 15 pages. That probably doesn't sound like much, but believe me, it is. 15 pages of math. If I write 2-3 pages a day for the next week I'll be on schedule to have a decent first draft done a month before the thing is due. God knows if that's at all likely.

Today for lunch I ate pre-packaged Indian food out of a deep bowl with chopsticks. I had some leftover goodies from the four-course vegetarian Indian meal Zack and I made over the weekend, so I was able to spice it up with fresh cilantro (coriander!) and peanut chutney. The only thing I didn't have was yogurt and cucumber.

For some reason I had the urge to record that as I ate. It wasn't that the food was very good. In fact, it reminded me very much of a slightly spicier version of a canned, mixed-vegetable soup. There were lima beans and green beans and little cubes of potatoes that have been cooked to a mealey texture and whose edges have been knocked off and rounded during the packaging and shipping process. But there was something very my-life about it -- eating out of this bowl with chopsticks because we have no forks, learning to check Facebook every hour rather than work efficiently. Also the taste of Cilantro, one of the cleanest and most delicious flavors I know.

I'm fucking tired.

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 04:12:49 GMT

Sometimes I get so tired of doing work! I spend all day trying very hard to understand things that are very hard to understand. I have enough time to chill out and do things with friends and boyfriends, but I guess somehow that's not always enough. Like, I want to call friends or family members who don't live here, but I don't because I don't really have anything to say.

All I know is: fuck the Bruck-Ryser-Chowla theorem. The proof doesn't make any sense. First I look up quadratic residues; and for that, I have to look up the Hasse-Minkowski thm, which also doesn't make sense. Then I realize I don't know what the crap they mean by quaternions, which leads me to the Wikipedia page and further makes me realize that in a world supposedly comprised entirely of integers I've suddenly stumbled across the complex numbers. Fuckers. And now I have to figure out wtf Lagrange has to do with all of it. And fuck quadratic residues, anyway: they're one of those things that seem so blindingly simple that they couldn't possibly be meaningful. Except..

ffdj;fdajkakjgajkl

Also fuck group theory.

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 17:39:43 GMT

I actually did something last night that I haven't done before. Imagine that. Scuba diving aside it has been a LONG time since I've done something new!

I had the strangest dreams last night. What's strange, too, is I can barely remember them. I wonder what's a-going on in my head. I have this feeling of having had an important idea and then forgotten it.

"I heard a voice that said 'A country girl can't be made out of anybody here. Don't touch it - it loves you not.'"

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 18:26:09 GMT

It's been a while, huh?

Things have been good, for the most part. School work is good, grades are good, family is good.. Mitch is doing better. My room looks good. Yeah.

But boy am I depressed today. I've done it again. I'm in a mess for a stupid, stupid reason. Sigh.

Plus: how depressing is planning for after graduation? Bluh.

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 02:44:52 GMT

I have three hours of reading or more than MUST GET DONE before tomorra at 9, and all I want to do is draw. Or take a shower.. cause dance class was really hot and I very much stink.

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 16:57:43 GMT

I just went back and read some of my paper journal, and it's put me in a funny mood. I feel kinda angry about old things. But oh! Liz is here! & I want to make french toast.

Livejournal emo ranting sometimes is entirely appropriate.

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 04:42:42 GMT

Really. This isn't fair. It isn't fair. Nothing makes any sense.

A message to life:

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 04:15:39 GMT

You suck. Fuck you.

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 17:55:59 GMT

Life is so amazing! Today is such a beautiful day; I feel happy, I feel well. I'm crying. It's amazing how things can be so happy and so sad, at the same time -- not bittersweet, just both. It's not even like it used to be, where I'd feel joy at the beauty of sad, sad life. I just feel both.

Let's all hope for health, happiness, and healing for everyone around us.

Ack!

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 23:04:12 GMT

http://www.lsus.edu/sc/math/rmabry/knots/7beads.gif

haha

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 14:06:44 GMT

                                                 `::::`     
                                              .::-   `:::`  
                   `.`                ..     -+         `o` 
                  :dmy:             .smmo`  .+  -//-`//:``o`
                 .hNhNNhossssss+++:smMdNm/  y   syyysyyy. :/
                -oNhysyMmhssssso+ydNNhysyh  y   `syyyyy:  :/
              -oshmyyyoyNNhyyyyyymMmhyyyod: /:    -sy/`   +-
            `osssdmyyss+mNNmmmmmmNNyosyyom+  /:    .-    +- 
           `ooossdmosyyhyyssssso/syyhysshmh/  ::- `::- ::-  
           o++ooyddyossssssy+/....:osssyhdhs.   .:y  :s`    
          :s+++ohsossooss+:.........:ysssyhy:     o.`/-     
          +sooo+ossos+/-.............:sssssy:    . -:       
          yssssss+:-.-----........----+ssssy:   s-o         
          ysssss-  `---:/+o+....+o+/:--ossss.   .:`         
          :ssss+  `:ssosyo/....../+oyyoshsss                
           +oss+  ..`.::--`......`-::-.`/yod+               
           y-ys+  ....................../yohh               
           /oys+  .:::::.......-....::::+yosh               
            `yss` `............-:......./ys.`               
             ssso  `..................../y/                 
             ssyh/ `...-../++++++++..-..:y/                 
             sshhys......./hhhhhhh+...-.oh/                 
          `.:yyys+yh+......-oyhys:..../y+s/                 
           .+yysoysssy+/-..........-+yoyhh+                 
             .ss-`  /+:/+o++...../++:y. hso:`               
              ++`///y-::::::ooooo:::::d+h+                  
             .+//...+..--:::::::::::::h:o-++-`              
        .--//:///:::.......--:::::::::/:////o++//-.         
 -+++ss/:--..`.-----++++//++-...:+++++++-----.-::/++sss+//- 
/ssssssyyyoooo++++/..````````..````````../+++osssyyyysssssd/

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 13:35:38 GMT

Result

11100011100101000110110000110101001000000100110110
00101110001101110110111011000011110111011010001101
11100010110111101101011011100111011110110101011000
00101010101111100111001100001101110010001000001100
10111010110111110010111001100111100100110101110111
11110101011000101101101100001110111110101111110111
01111011110001001111011010101101100110011011101000
00110100001001111010010111011011111000011011100111
10000001101010001010101101111010000111110110110111
01100100111110001001101100001011010111101000110110
01010100010111111111010111010001111101110011001011
01110110100000011010110101111101011000101101010011
00010011111000110111110110000001000101011101010101
00100011010101110000010111110101101001101111101100
11010000111101011111000011100000010010000010101110
11001011010001000001100111011001010110011001100010
01101100001110011000001011010000010101010000110101
10010100010011001111101010000011010101001000100011
01111001011101111100101100111111011010100011111111
10110001001110011110011001100010111000000100000010
01101001001000111100110111000011111111011101111001
10100111100001111101101100101011000001001111001000
00011101100000111100100110010100010101101000110000
00110000011010011010010100100000100001001100110010
10001101000001110011111100111010110001111101000010
10000101001111011000000101100001010010011011111000
00100100110010101111001000101111001000101001011100
01110101101110100011000001000010011010000000100100
00011001100001011010111000101010110010010011110011
10101011010100001010111001000011110100110110100001
00101000111011000000001101110010000010011111011000
11101000111001111000001101111001011010110111000001
00101111001111110100001001011100111100110100101101
01011110111001011011010110111010100001101000110100
11101100011011001011010110001000100010001110101000
01010001000101100001000110010101100100111010110010
00011111110010100010111010101101010111110001100110
01001100010110101110111000011000101101000001101111
11010110010101010011100100010110000110111110100100

Ok, really only Netta will recognize this image.

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 02:46:11 GMT

Let's hear it for antibiotics! After 10 days of taking one pill a day, I am all better. No congestion, very little cough. hallelujah. What's more, now that I'm off the meds I can start partaking in the party fun.

School starts on Tuesday! I have

curtain rods and a rug!

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 15:04:13 GMT

I'm writing from Netta's house in NH; I've been having an awesome time visiting her since Tuesday, and I was amazed to actually be able to make friends with her dog. This is a tiny, tiny poodle who bites everything and hates Netta's dad.

Anyway, I'll be home around 3:00. SO EXCITED! I hear from Zack that the house looks great. Eeeeeeeeeee. You know, I've been fixating, but I can't wait to make my stupid bed. I'm just obsessed about these sheets. Did I mention they're made out of bamboo?

Here's something funny that happened on the way here. I was stupidly driving on 495N through Mass at rush hour.. so I was stuck on a 10-mile stretch for about an hour. And you know how when you're in traffic like that, people behave like horses in that they move around until they're behind a car they don't hate and then they stay there, all in a line -- well, for a while I was behind this woman in a powder blue convertible. Something about her face in the mirror reminded me of my cousin Tammy, the one who died of liver and kidney failure last year. She had pretty eyes, but she was wearing too much makeup and you could still see that there were some pretty heavy wrinkles around them.

Anyway, I was drifting through traffic trying not to be mad. Suddenly, I realized that I was creeping forward in my van, really really slowly, so I pushed down really hard on the brake. I mean, I was only a foot away from this convertible. But just like in one of my recurring dreams, the brakes didn't work -- we just kept drifting closer together! actually, as I realized, I wasn't moving forward, this woman was moving backward, which didn't diminish the dream-like feeling at all. I just watched her keep backing up until I remembered to honk. She hit my car anyway, in super-slow motion.

So we made eye contact in her mirror, and I was clearly like WTF, you hit my car, what are we going to do in all this traffic? And she looked down for a sec, then back up at me, and I was really amazed at the, like, smouldering anger and hatred in the way she was looking at me. I thought she must have been on drugs or something. Then she pulled illegally onto the shoulder and sped off to the exit. My car was fine.

sheets ('n things)

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 03:40:32 GMT

I bought bedding today. However, Ikea didn't mention that its duvet-like (completely beautiful, perfect, exactly what I've been looking for for years) full/queen-sized "quilt cover" is not compatible with American full/queen-sized comforters. So now I've got to go to Ikea and see if I like any of their "quilts," or else return the beautiful cover. I shudder at how much gas I'm using.

But I made an exciting find at Bed Bath & Beyond: 100% bamboo cellulose yarn sheets. For college, I bought their beech cellulose jersey knit sheets and loved them, conditionally, because they were incredibly soft. Unfortunately, by their second year of use they had holes in them. That, as I'm told, is a consequence of them being jersey knits. So these are woven! And they're beautiful. SO SOFT! They weren't cheap at all, but they have several cool features besides being wonderful (and you know how picky I am about fabrics); bamboo supposedly is grown pesticide-free, is ecologically friendly (as we all know), and is supposedly antibacterial. I've read reviews that it launders well. Also, the color is amazing. So.. I spent a lot of money and hope to be happy in sexy silky sheets.

I'm almost healthy.

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 13:52:50 GMT

today is my erstwhile boyfriend's 26th birthday. He's on the way to St. Louis for the first time since he left after we broke up two years ago. Most likely he's going to stay at the Colibri (hippie co-op) where he used to live, and he will also likely meet another sort of erstwhile boyfriend who lives there, also for the first time. Considering how much I told the second about the first I expect it to be deliciously awkward. Three thumbs up.

Of course, seeing as #1 is Mitch, who knows whether he's actually on the bus or not? He may have canceled.

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 11:22:53 GMT

I have caught the Cold of Doom. I didn't know one human being could produce so much snot. Therefore, I am postponing my trip to visit in New Hampshire :( It sucks, but I wouldn't want to get Little Miss Italy sick right before her trip.

Anyway, that means I'm currently in Middletown. I've been staying with Zack, helping him to get his room fixed up. He doesn't have a bed, so we've been sleeping on top of a bunch of blankets. It's good for the back? Anyway, he'll have one in a couple of weeks.

Yo! Team 26! I was worried about all this construction they're doing on our house, because they were redoing our porch's fence and it looked like their mode de decor was "plywood, plywood, plywood," but yesterday they finished it with siding like on the rest of the house and it looks awesome! Hoorah.

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 20:15:59 GMT

When I was packing up my clothes earlier this week, it occurred to me how much more interesting my tops are than my bottoms. I have a bajillion jackets and a lot of (I think) cool shirts; but pants? all boring and uniform, except for my painty pance. I wonder whether that's because I want to emphasize my top and de-epmhasize my bottom. But surely it doesn't reflect any discomfort with or de-emphasis of my sexuality? I couldn't really see that.

But at the same time, I suppose I do want more attention to my top than my bottom! I like my nether regions a lot, but I don't really feel like they're for public.. umm.. consumption.

I'm in Somerville staying for a day with Dianne, and I'll be with Zack and his brothers tonight.. then tomorrow morning we're off to Hawaii. I find that Somerville has that certain quality of get-to-know-ability, in much the same way that Montreal does; it's city-ish, but also neighborhood-y. People sit on their stoops, and there are stores and restaurants. The city is close by. My lady blue-hair has invited me, maybe less than seriously, to share an apartment with her here after graduation, and I'm thinking about it! At least, I'm really thinking about not going back to St. Louis. maybe I'll be there for the summer, but like I've said before, I am ruh-ruh-ready to move out!

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 16:52:11 GMT

I'm at Wesleyan! I stayed last night in E's room at Alpha Delt. Even though I've never been here before, waking up in this room has a distinct Wesleyan feel to it -- I could go eat Guiseppe's! I could go for a walk by the river! I could go down to Main Street!

Sadly, I'm leaving for Boston in a few hours. This has been just a brief visit, in order to avoid paying for a hotel room on my cross-country drive. Went to a fun party at the house where John Golby lived (apparently they left it absollutely trashed), and had a great evening in spite of the 100+ degrees temperature. It was HOT :) Lots of people were there. You know what I'm excited about? Pomegranites. I love them. They'll be ripe soon. This heat wave will end, school will start, and it will be autumn.

I found out last night that Bad Andy is also doing a math thesis. I feel yards less special, even though I suspected I wouldn't be the only one -- that's really how things work, I think. The time's right for an undergrad thesis, and it's likely that more than one person would catch on to that. Oh, well. I'm just prepared to be shown up. Andy is too fucking brilliant. Sigh.

on the other hand, HAHA he can't have babies! Man, do I want babies. They're so cool.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 17:46:05 GMT

So who likes the Violent Femmes?

They're playing in Atlantic City on August 30th with one of my sweetheart favorite musicians, Langhorne Slim! Anybody want to go with me?? It's gonna be hot!

Whew!

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 18:47:00 GMT

I'm finally home. Back from Seattle, back from Oregon, back for a week. I've still got a lot of reading to do, to catch of with everybody's journals and my emails and things! Believe it or not, this week I've got to do all of my packing for school, and I'm driving back to the East starting August 1st. Goodbye, Missouri! Craziness. Well, also goodbye VW, hello minivan. Party down.

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 20:25:30 GMT

So I'm here in Seattle, staying with slackwards and hanging out with phoenixeyes and betsytron5000. It's been all kinds of mad fun.

Highlights: did karaoke last night, for the first time in seven years, thanks to betsytron5000 -- or rather, I watched karaoke and took care of 2/3 of a pitcher all by mahself. Seems to me that the karaoke bar party is what happens when people like us graduate from college and need to find a new way of experiencing spontaneous expressions of group identity, since you can't very well go to college parties anymore. I mean, what's going to happen when nobody around knows The Management? Man, will I miss Kids. Then we'll all just go to karaoke bars and yodel along with Tiny Dancer and that song that Eric plays at every house party. Or maybe it will be Heya.

more: WAOMG what's in Seattle? Toys in Babeland is in Seattle! Yes! I'd forgotten! And, thanks to friends of the family, I got a 10% friends n' family discount! Also explored the gay district. Hit up this sweet lezzie bar called the Wild Rose. There, I met a carbon-copy of Connie (picture forthcoming, as soon as I get home and have access to my USB-phone connector). Yes, it was a good night. Tonight will be a good night, too, since I will be going dancing at a GAY BAR with Charlotte-aka-connie-pockets.

and: did some general touristy things. Seattle sure is a city. It sure does have mountains and water and stores. That's what I've discovered.

Also, the plants here are pretty neat. Lots of flowers that I don't recognize/have never seen alive before. Lavender grows all over the place. I'm going to steal some, and then all my climbing eq. is going to smell not like ass.

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 18:12:38 GMT

I had an awesome time in New York. It's a shame I didn't get to see anybody, but I was on a quest. Anyway, it was really fun! Zack and friend Calvin both performed at Gotham comedy club, which apparently is a really good one, in a new talent showcase. I was there! It was so fun! Zack was really good!

Afterwards, he, Calvin, and I bought some 40s at a deli and drank and watched the British version of the Office until late at night, and then Zack and I stayed up until I had to leave for the airport at 4am. Therefore I am very tired. I should be going out and buying camping supplies for the latter half of my Pacific NW tour, but what I really want is a nap.

Life: so hard.

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 16:54:07 GMT

shamelessly stolen from fucking_shut_up

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com